OK, I admit it! 100 films is a lot to be fitting into one month. It feels like watching every movie ever made in about 37 seconds. It feels like it won't happen. I feel like I should be down to number four and when I consult my list it appears that in fact, i am at number 88. I know in my mind that by Monday morning (as I write it is Thursday night) I must be down to number 75 if I am to stand a chance of doing this. But by the power of greyskull I am going to be watching the Godfather by midnight on the 31st January, even if I have to stay up through nights with coffee to aid me.
I was originally going to review each film that I watched. Then I thought to myself, who the bloody hell wants to know what you think about films. Am I Jonathan Ross??
Wossy Morty
Clearly not!
So, I am showing you posters of the films I have watched. I don't think for a second that I could hold your attention long enough to go through a review of all of them. I did however, and continue to be watching films that I have never seen before. This is the reason I agreed to this challenge. There are films that I have always wanted to watch and have never got around to watching them.
Hold the phone!
What a horrible, crap thing to say, and I say all the time; "I never get around to it". I must remind myself here that we are talking about watching a number of films! There is hardly a lot to "get around" is there really? I mean its not like i'm a surgeon and I get called out of my home at all hours is it? I'm not training for a marathon and have to go running 15 miles around the wonderful scenes that are the muddy canals of Birmingham every day! My beer belly is clear evidence of this. I am not awaiting a call from NASA asking me to just pop into space to do a spot of work on the space station! Dear oh dear. Get around sitting on my arse and watching other people act.
Anyway, I digress. These are the films I have watched at the point of writing this now, there are obviously going to be overlaps.
Even though I will not review the films that I watch, I will talk of my highlights whilst watching them. For example at Number 99 I got to watch Toy Story.
If you don't like Toy Story, I don't think that you are a human. I think that you are a bad person if you don't like that film. It’s beautiful. In fact, I think that if you say that you don't like Toy Story you are a liar! You are saying it to try and fit in with all the cool kids. But the cool kids are in on the joke, they have bought tickets to the show and are laughing at you behind your back. “Oh Jeff says he hates this film, I told him that he’s absolutely rite, he fell for it. What a terrible bore, I bet he likes his tonic sans gin, oh what a boring tosspot he is”
They love this film, as should you. It has everything a good Disney film needs and it opened the flood gates for a generation of superb animated features. Some people will no doubt now feel the urge tell me that it wasn’t Toy Story that opened the gates. They will insist that is was some obscure animation created by a man with overly thick glasses, asthma and a questionable browsing history. I am not interested, it was Toy Story! FACT! What an awesome, "sit back and not have to think about it" film.
I have seen Toy Story three hundred and thirty seven times, or near that number anyway. So it was not new to me and that goes against the reason I decided to do this. But there were plenty of films in this first section that I haven't seen before.
Spirit of the beehive in at number 93 is considered one of the best Spanish films of the 1970's. It looks beautiful. Everything about it drags you through the screen and into the film. You are in basking in the sunshine in Spain, then after about an hour of what can only be described blissful ignorance, you turn to the person next to you and ask "What the bloody hell is going on, this is barmy". If you’re like me, you will be completely lost, but happy because it’s a nice experience. Careless abandon, like being drunk almost. Winner, watch this film.
I don't think there are many men out there who don't wish they were as cool as Ferris Bueller when they were a teenager. I definitely wish I could have been that cool, Jesus, I wish I was that cool now. Ferris is a cross breed of Finch and Stifler from American pie, 15 years before they hit out screens. What a guy! I'm approaching 30 and he reminds me that now I am never going to be able to be as cool as him. Now looking back, maybe I hate him. I don't know, he just confuses me. Still, if you have somehow managed to get by in life without seeing this film, watch it, it rocks.
Harry Met Sally! What is that about really? It’s Mike from Monsters Ink trying to get into the knickers of good old crazy as a wicker basket Meg Ryan. Then, its good old crazy as a wicker basket Meg, trying to get into Mike from Monsters Ink boxers. In the middle she has "That" screaming orgasm in the cafe and then it’s all over.
Men, before you stand up I urge you to check your penis hasn't ran away from you following a viewing of this flick. Personally, my penis told me it was off to bed and to not rush after it 15 minutes into the film. It stuck its fingers up at me and left. I'm still trying to make it up to it, I can’t wait for terminator 2 later in the list, that will help us re-connect. If you are a man, do not watch this film. Good old Billy gives us a few laughs, but that really is about it. If you are a woman who likes a chick flick then knock yourself out. No I don’t mean watch the film, go and knock yourself out.
It’s not all endless entertainment. I have learned a few things so far in my little adventure into the world of the top 100 movies. I think the most important at the moment is that you should rarely, if ever, Google a woman that you think is attractive if the film they are staring in was made pre-1995. You will be disappointed. The Lovely Miss Faye Dunaway proved this only too early into the top 100. At number 100 she played Diana Christensen. The lead female role in Network. She was sexy and powerful. All men love a woman in power. This can surly be the only reason some men found Thatcher attractive as she looked like an iron with makeup on. However, some years on from the 1976 release of Network, Old Mrs Dunaway is not quite so sexy. I'm sure you can imagine the winds of old mother time haven’t been so friendly to her. It seems that whilst curiosity was killing the cat it took a powerful swipe at the older, powerful woman fantasy. Game over man!
That’s all I have to say of the film front at the moment.
I haven’t forgotten about the resolutions. It is when I come to the resolutions that I start to get a bit grumpy. Every year we do this to ourselves. We give up the fags, give up the booze, join the gym. These are just the classics amongst an endless list of silly things we promise ourselves.
Realistically, deep down we know that we can never live up to our own expectations. Moreover, when we do fall short, we are disgusted with ourselves. Not disappointed but disgusted.
Tell me, what is the point of a fine wine or a beautiful malt whiskey even existing if when you put it to your lips you get feelings of guilt and anger at yourself? I cannot see any point.
So no booze, no fags no fatty foods. Sod it, let’s give up sex and become a priest. Oh bugger, I said no sex, we all know what they get up to, dirty old sods. Monks, that’s it, let’s become monks. From now on, I will be referred to as Brother Mort. Doesn’t work really does it. But at least I’m not chasing altar boys ay.
Please do not start messaging me telling me that we do it so we can live longer, more fulfilled lives. I don’t buy that rubbish. I don’t want to live forever if I can’t enjoy a beer or eat a pizza every now and then. We will live for a bloody long time and it will feel so much longer because we are bored out of our brains. There is a very good reason prohibition didn’t work in America. People like to drink! We like to get pissed out of our little minds, minds that are little because we have pickled them with booze. Why I’m on this point, let us discuss the none drinker. I know that I may get grief for this, but please don’t pretend that your friend who doesn’t drink is cool and quirky because he/she doesn’t drink. The one person you have to buy a coke whilst you and the rest of your friends drink.
“oh, I just don’t like the way it feels and when I see everybody else drunk I think thank heavens that’s not me”
Oh piss off. You’re not invited to my parties because you are a boring git. They don’t drink because A- He/she can’t afford it B- His/her other half won’t let them or C- they are inherently bloody boring. Unless they are the designated driver. There is a very good reason I haven’t taken my test.
If I have offended you then I am afraid you are probably not the kind of person that should be reading this blog. I am generally a nice person. I am not talking about recovering alcoholics or anybody like that, I am talking about the pretentious buggers and you know who they are, what’s more is that they know who they are! Go and buy a lager gimp.
I could write for hours but I dont want to bore you too much so with that in mind, I think that’s about it for now. so until next time, if you have enjoyed this please tell your friends, grab yourself a drink, if you want a smoke then spark one up and live a bloody good life!
Mort
